I get called brave a
lot. And it always gives me a bit of a boost. But I sometimes I don’t think I’m very brave at all.
The truth is that deep
down I’m terrified. I feel broken. I think of how easy it would be to just stay
in bed all day and nap and feel sorry for myself. Because none of this is fair
on me or my husband/kids/parents or family. It sucks big time. I hate it. I’m
really angry. I’m devastated actually that this is the hand I’ve been dealt. I
cannot believe that this is my reality and there will always be this “thing”
hanging over me for the rest. Of. My. Bloody. Life. I want to cry and scream
and use all the swear words.
But I don’t.
Instead I make the
choice every day to get out of bed, draw on my eyebrows and get on with it to the best of my ability.
I will stay positive and happy. It
is an easy choice to make every day as I have three of the best reasons in the
whole world. My beautiful babies.
They look to me for
reassurance and comfort and . . . well . . . basically everything. I can’t let my guard down in front of them. I just
can’t. I have to be the example and make them see that everything will be ok.
But I’ve discovered the best thing – that the more you act
happy and positive, the easier it becomes and soon it’s not an act after all. So
99% of the time when I’ve got my positive pants on and am upbeat and seem even
excited about my treatment, its not an act. It’s just the way it is.
And I’ve got plans in
place for those times when it’s hard because they still pop up every now and
then. I’m human after all.
My biggest hope is
that my children will read all this when they’re older and able to understand
it all and I’ll inspire them to just keep
going. When times are tough and you feel like the world is out to get you, just draw on some eyebrows and get on
with it.
Maybe it’s brave.
Maybe it’s just good makeup.