Chemotherapy and the
side effects tend to have a cumulative effect meaning they get worse the more
you have. My treatment happened to be over the end of school year/Christmas/New
Year/back to school period so it was very busy. And my kids would be home from
school on holidays for six of those weeks. Deep breath.
The first month was a
breeze. Yes, I was tired but I wasn’t wiped out. I had no nausea from this
chemo drug and barely any aches and pains. So awesome. But it definitely
started to wear me out.
For most of the time,
I was trying my hardest to get our lives back to “normal”. And at the end of
each day once the kids were in bed and the kitchen cleaned, I was just spent. I
had absolutely nothing left to give. But I was so grateful that I could do it.
I mean, when you get told you have to have chemotherapy, you have visions of
being sick over a bucket all day every day. The fact that I could do the stuff
of our everyday life such as making the kids food, reading to them, grocery
shopping (albeit I did switch to online and delivered), attending parties,
going to the movies was something I tried not to take for granted.
Christmas was
wonderful and I was able to attend the family gatherings and be present with my
kids and it was really just like normal. But the effort left me in bed for
three days after.
As the weeks were
ticked off on my chemo countdown chart, I certainly did get more tired and
achier. Around the 6 week mark I started to feel tingling and numbness on my
fingers and toes (a common side effect of this drug) which definitely became
more pronounced each week. The “bad” days where I was feeling the worst and
resorted to Panadol to be able to move without pain increased from ½ a day to a
day to 2 days to 2 ½ days to 3 days.
By this stage though I
was well practiced at self compassion so I was really gentle on myself. I
rested as much as possible, only did activities or housework in small bursts
with a rest after and made plans for my kids to be taken care of or entertained
on the worst days. I knew my limits and said no to a lot of social activities.
So what if we didn’t
get to go anywhere during the holidays! Who cares if the kids have potato gems
and chicken nuggets for dinner again! Yes, they’re having way too much screen
time but it’s just the season we are in right now. It’s what we need and I know
it will be different this time next year. So for once in my life I didn’t give
myself “Mum guilt” or beat myself up over it. It is what it is right now.
Once again, thank
goodness for my Mum who had the kids so often as well as took over my washing
so I didn’t have to worry about it. I conserved what little energy I had for
other jobs. It was a godsend.
Small victories,
silver linings and all that positive thinking really helped me through
mentally. My Mum & Dad, husband and everyone else who helped with dropping
kids off, picking kids up, having them for play dates and sleepovers helped me
physically because I just couldn’t do it all and I couldn’t be the fun Mum.
It’s just the season
we are in right now.