There were several
times along the chemotherapy journey when I wondered if it was working. At
first I obsessively felt for the lump to see if I could feel any changes. Was it getting smaller? My mind and
imagination would play tricks on me and some days I would think it was smaller,
some days I would think it wasn’t and sometimes it still ached and hurt.
I started visualising
my tumour being stopped in its tracks, used to rapidly growing it was like the
brakes had been put on and it was coming to a stop. Then I started visualising
the cancer cells shrinking and dying and screaming in protest. It sounds a bit
crazy right? But it was the strategy I used to calm the anxiety I was feeling.
After all, maybe the pain and aching was
from the cells dying?
Just before I started
weekly the weekly chemotherapy, I mentioned my fears to my oncologist. I told
her I was concerned it wasn’t getting smaller and I could still feel it and
should I not be able to feel it by now?
She got me up on the
bed and had a feel and referred back to her notes from the initial examination.
“I’m happy with that” she said, nodding her head. I cannot remember the exact
word she used but she explained that tumours do start to change. They become
less defined, or structured. So I took her word for it and actually stopped
obsessing over it.
Nearing the last month
of chemotherapy, it was time to start preparing for surgery. And it was time to
have a mammogram and ultrasound. I was
strangely excited. I knew it would show that the cancer was shrinking somewhat. That would be the best news I
allowed myself to hope for.
After the mammogram I
was lying on the bed having the ultrasound and looking at the screen as she
performed it. All my years watching Grey’s Anatomy and I still can’t tell
what’s what on an ultrasound screen! It all looked weird to me.
I was so surprised
when after 10 minutes, the ultrasound
was finished. What the? The first ultrasound I had took over an hour! “There weren’t really any measurements to take”
she told me. “It all is starting to look like normal breast tissue.”
Well I think I was
beaming and there was a definite spring in my step when I walked out the
imaging department that day!
At my next oncology
appointment, she confirmed: there was very little, if any, signs of the disease
left in my breast and lymph nodes. I
hadn’t even allowed myself to hope that I would get that good a response from
chemo! What an amazing feeling to know that the months of getting toxic
chemicals infused through my body, the sickness and hair loss and side effects
have been worth it. It worked. Not
only had the chemotherapy controlled and destroyed much of the cancer in my
breast, but there would be no floating cells anywhere in my body. They have
been obliterated.
Reflecting back to my
first conversation with the surgeon about chemotherapy, I’m so glad we decided
on the neoadjuvant chemotherapy (ie chemo
first before surgery). I feel so grateful that I’m not blindly going on
this journey. The proof is right there. Not everyone gets that confirmation
like I did.